I knew one day that all of my friends would be married with children but what someone didn’t tell me is that the only thing they would ever talk about is their children – school, colds, new hobbies, rare diseases and all of little Bobby’s playground accomplishments. Thus many conversations with my girlfriends these days has evolved from “what restaurant should we go to?” to “you wouldn’t believe what little Bobby said today!” Of course I feign interest and pretend that this is just as important as the new truffle ravioli at Giorgio Baldi but, well, I’m just not there yet. However, one conversation has consistently sprung up amongst all my marrieds-with-harrieds and it must be the most scientific breakthrough our world has ever seen: did you know that every child born today is gifted? Yes! How can it be that America has suddenly found the genius gene for every child? Well apparently there must be something in the water here or all of those steriods we eat in chicken and meat these days has suddenly produced a super-human type of offspring never before seen. Or, as I’d like to say, perhaps there’s a new trend sprouting up in the my-child-is-better-than-your-child olympics that parents routinely enter every day of their lives.

The conversations usually start with said friend telling you all about their children and then suddenly in the middle of conversation they throw out the Modern Mom’s favorite line “….well, Bobby has been acting strange lately and we couldn’t figure out what it was. So we had him tested for the gifted program and you know what? They’ve just told us that he has a genius level IQ! Mark and I are just thrilled!”. What I would like to tell my friend at this point is that the chances of Bobby being gifted vs. being a little boy who just doesn’t like his bologna sandwich is about one in a million. All she needs to do is stop arranging playdates with people he doesn’t like and my guess is that his behavior would get back to normal. But no, you can’t tell a parent that because these days every Mom and Dad thinks their children’s anti-social behavior is code for some Einstein-level genius gene. It used to be clothes, bikes, gadgets and a fancy baby stroller that gave away a kid’s status in the sandbox. Now it’s the “gifted program.”

So many of my friends have told me that their kids are gifted that I have to believe the people who run the gifted program are laughing their asses off – they’ve found a new revenue stream – parents desperate to believe their children are related to Carl Sagan in order to show up the Browns! I recently went to a party where quite a few of the attendees had brought along their “gifted” children. I half expected the kids to ask if I’ve read the latest version of Freakonomics in an accent worthy of a French professor. But no, they simply watched “Cars” for the 100th time and put dirty bougars all over their friends. Gifted activity for sure. Yes folks this is just another way that parents try to one-up each other. These kids are about as gifted as my chances of winning a modeling competition against Gisele (well, it would be close but I still wouldn’t win. She has better hair than I do). The predecessor to the gifted program was the absurd level of creativity parents went to in order to make their Christmas cards worthy of the Smithsonian. This still happens mind you. Staged treacly photo ops with the kids, dogs and parents all in matching clothes set against some poetic winter backdrop (likely rented for the day) serving as the cover for a Christmas poem that one of the children wrote in school – all laminated, professionally printed and tied with a pretty red and green ribbon. Do you think the families are actually sending you a card to wish you the very best of the holiday season? No! They want you to show you how beautiful and successful they are!

The real sadness (or humor) in all of this is what all those kids who are being told they’re gifted are going to end up like in adult life. Imagine how bummed they’re going to be when they find out everyone else at work not only went to the same gifted program but is now seeing the same psychologist as well. Here’s a new revenue stream to deal with all of those future Sagans – psychologists that only deal with gifted adults. Come to think of it, that will be the new competition frontier.